August 10, 2006

Divorce sucks

Alyssa and I will be filing for divorce soon, and will be selling the house in the next few months. Hopefully everything will be wrapped up by the end of the year. Everything's amicable, we still get along well and I believe we'll remain good friends for the rest of our lives. I'm still in love with her, and this isn't the way I wanted it to go. But it's just not working the way it is, and after six months of struggle, I've started to accept the fact that I'm powerless to change the way she feels.

On the negative side, I am losing all my hopes, dreams, and aspirations in light of the fact that I won't be married anymore. I have gotten used to playing the provider role, hoping that it would provide Alyssa with the opportunity to realize her career dreams. We had plans to stay in our current house for five years, and then to sell it and travel the world together, to go on adventures for a while. We tried to have children for a long time, and I still think she would make a great mother. I hope she becomes one someday.

On the positive side, I now have the opportunity to go rediscover myself, to push my own boundaries and explore my new identity as a single man. I plan to take singing lessons. I just got a nose ring (the pic above isn't me, but it's the same piercing. Hi, Mom.) I just drew a picture of a chinese dragon holding a huge pearl, and had it tattooed across my shoulder and back. I'm going to start seeing a therapist. I might get my tongue pierced, too. I might take dancing lessons. I might join a nudist club. I am going to push the envelope, overrun all those old irrational fears and habits and start having some real fun. To get comfortable just being myself, completely free, and to hell with what anyone else thinks about any of it.


At August 11, 2006, Blogger aumeye said...

No platitudes, just an offer of empathy and sympathy. Divorce does suck. All good wishes to you during this time of transition, Jules.

At August 11, 2006, Blogger Jules said...

Thanks, aumeye.

At August 11, 2006, Anonymous Jade Walker said...

Ditto on the offer of empathy and sympathy. I hope this unwanted change allows you to find the happiness you desire.

At August 14, 2006, Blogger Michael said...

Hi Jules,
Thanks for your much-appreciated comment on my blog. I hope this transition you're going through leads you farther along the path to where you want to be. I hope it makes you stronger, as I'm sure it will.

At August 14, 2006, Blogger Jules said...

Thanks, Jade & Michael. I hope you're both right.

At August 15, 2006, Anonymous Seth said...

Your post expresses essentially how I feel. Amazing we are going through such similar terrain. Maybe its not that much of a shocker.

All I can say is hang in there and focus on you.


At October 03, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to be flip, but if there are no kids involved, you are very lucky. It could have been much more sucky. (still sorry to hear you have to go through it)


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