Divorce sucks

Alyssa and I will be filing for divorce soon, and will be selling the house in the next few months. Hopefully everything will be wrapped up by the end of the year. Everything's amicable, we still get along well and I believe we'll remain good friends for the rest of our lives. I'm still in love with her, and this isn't the way I wanted it to go. But it's just not working the way it is, and after six months of struggle, I've started to accept the fact that I'm powerless to change the way she feels.

On the negative side, I am losing all my hopes, dreams, and aspirations in light of the fact that I won't be married anymore. I have gotten used to playing the provider role, hoping that it would provide Alyssa with the opportunity to realize her career dreams. We had plans to stay in our current house for five years, and then to sell it and travel the world together, to go on adventures for a while. We tried to have children for a long time, and I still think she would make a great mother. I hope she becomes one someday.

On the positive side, I now have the opportunity to go rediscover myself, to push my own boundaries and explore my new identity as a single man. I plan to take singing lessons. I just got a nose ring (the pic above isn't me, but it's the same piercing. Hi, Mom.) I just drew a picture of a chinese dragon holding a huge pearl, and had it tattooed across my shoulder and back. I'm going to start seeing a therapist. I might get my tongue pierced, too. I might take dancing lessons. I might join a nudist club. I am going to push the envelope, overrun all those old irrational fears and habits and start having some real fun. To get comfortable just being myself, completely free, and to hell with what anyone else thinks about any of it.